Richard

One of the reasons that I wrote “Woody. My Journey through Joy, Grief and Healing with a dog” was to help me through the intense grief. Fact is I would find myself sitting in the car or at my desk and staring, sometimes crying. At times it was as if I couldn’t breathe. I was falling apart, I was drinking way too much and I couldn’t sleep. I had never felt so lost. I was having the same dream every night of a large flat gray expanse, the floor slightly tilting. If I did get an hour of sleep, I’d wake up with the same dream and sense of being out of my body. Today, I’ve been crying most of the morning, it’s 19 months after his passing and I got hit with a freight train today. I could feel his breath on my face when I woke up this morning. I’m seeing him out of the corner of my eye; I see a brown and white flash heading for another room. When I was first talking to my doctor about my feelings he told me,” Greif comes like waves, at the beginning the waves just pummel you, and with time the get farther apart but they never go away”. So, my grief is different now. My dreams have shape and form thanks to my work with Ophilia. Woody shows up from time to time and I know him as an ally and he helps me understand my current path. I’m almost a year sober and I’m not masking the emotions with alcohol. From time to time it feels as if that would help but then I realize I’m so much better without it. I’ve been stuck in the house for 6 weeks recovering from ankle reconstruction which is far different than knee replacements. I’ve had to be on my back with my foot above my heart to keep the swelling down. With my knees my doctor wanted me up and walking as soon as I could. So different with an ankle. Now that I’m out of the boot and off my back I wonder where my motivator will come from. I reach for a ghost that’s not there. As Woody’s story gets deeper into the world, I realize how many more people he is helping. That gives me strength, and when I get hit by a wave, I allow myself to become a part of it, to feel the healing energy that is there for me to accept. It takes courage.

In the last blog I talked about the revelation about my father and the violence that was around my growing up. I was dreaming very vividly every night and sometimes it was disturbing that I couldn’t understand what the dream was trying to tell me. I dreamed the same dream my first night at Dillon. When I first got there, I looked out the window and saw a stump down on the beach. My initial thought was that it was a giant cork, and it was ready to be allowed to POP. When I went down the next morning to look at it, my impression was when it popped it would release a lot of joy and knowledge that the earth and the ocean was holding inside. I went out and sat on that stump for over an hour and mediated. Walking back up the canyon I noticed that there was a large trunk that had washed up to the high-water line in the canyon. I’d been looking at what I saw was a substantial box ; 8 feet long, 6 feet wide, and 6 feet high. I stayed deep in thought on the trunk (or was it was a pirate’s chest?) along with the “cork”. As I meditated on it the next morning, I had the thought that my allies could reside in that trunk. As I climbed back up the canyon is found myself filled with clarity that my allies were there when I needed them. While I was working with Ophilia in dream sessions, she would always help me establish an “anchor point” as a place to start learning what the dream had to say to me. After our regular sessions ended, we started on a once-a-month schedule. I had a dream where Dream Richard was walking down a path and discovered a giant circle of standing stones. When I had this dream before, I would always awaken, and I was never permitted to enter the circle. I felt that there was great knowledge within the circle, and I wanted to understand it. I brought it up to Ophilia here are her notes: Greetings Richard, Here are the notes from today’s session. Feb 3 2025 In Dream Richard standing in the stone circle. Tall, upright, protected. A sense of electricity in the back, shoulders, legs, feet – “being plugged in” to the earth,” “assurance,” “it’s safe.” Then, on Dream Richard’s feet, standing in water, green, flowing seaweed, peace and healing, holding them together: A thought about the interdimensional mind. My dreams were starting to organize around my taking control and being strong to eliminate the old Richard. The new Richard was stronger and ready to discover what was next, I was finding myself filled with awe and wonder at the immense changes that were happening to me, and how I was able to bring these revelations to my life. Maybe I was growing up. It takes courage.

Continuity 2.3 Late January 2025 My time at Dillion was restorative. I spent a lot of time down at the water just looking. I’d like to share an excerpt from my journal; I had no idea of what was coming at me in the next few hours. I went into Petaluma to see a guitar making friend, Bruce Sexuar, and we played a lot of his guitars. They were all spectacular instruments. In the corner was a dusty mandolin case and I asked to see what was inside. The case opened and what was before me simply blew my mind. It was a hand-built mandolin from a luthier in Portland. It was really dirty, Bruce said he used it to go to jams. The strings were old but when I played it, it felt like fire in my hand. Bruce told me to take it home and play it. When I went to sleep last night, I felt scattered, as if ashes to the wind. Before I drifted off to sleep, I addressed my allies, both good and bad, and I welcomed them into my sleep. I welcomed whatever knowledge they were willing to share with me, be it good or bad. I got up early and went down to the water and just sat for over an hour and a half. No body was awake when I got back to the house. I sat at the table and just wrote. As I was writing it occurred to me that being afraid is a simple case of not understanding what I was encountering. It was not scary or confusing. The thoughts I was having were just thoughts of not understanding. This revelation filled me with awe and wonder, and I’ve been able to apply this to my daily life. That night we met Bruce for dinner and he asked me how I liked the mandolin. I told him that I had to have it. He allowed me to take it home and said, “pay me when you can, just don’t change your mind”. I was over the moon. I had been looking for an instrument of this level for a long time, and it had found its way to me. I cleaned up the dishes, played my new mandolin for about 45 minutes and started the drive home. Once I hit the 101 southbound, I put the first Crosby Stills and Nash album on and let my imagination wander. I was thinking about David Crosby and all the song writing he had done in the area that I was driving through. I crossed the Golden Gate and turned south through the park, still enjoying the music. I was southbound on 19th street and all of a sudden, all the warning lights on the dashboard of my Prius came on, but they were very faint and hard to read. I called Wendi to see if she could help me diagnosis the problem. Funny thing was the car was driving great, and I was making every light which is unheard of on 19th. She asked me if the was a red triangle in the warning lights and I said yes. “It’s the triangle of death” she said, pull over right now, but there was no place to. With no traffic I was already on the 280 southbound with no place to stop. I ended up calming myself down, asking my allies for help. I called the service department of my local Toyota dealer, and we figured it was the small starter battery (hybrids have two batteries). I had had the main hybrid battery replaced about 20,000 miles before, so I know it wasn’t that. I drove directly home and made every stop light from Petaluma to my driveway. I called AAA but they didn’t have a battery in stock. Wendi found one at AutoZone and after a quick dinner I headed over there to have it installed. The parking lot was crowded with a lot of loud car stereos, but they had the battery and offered to put it in. It was getting dark and the installer was struggling with the flashlight. I asked him if I could hold it for him. As he handed it to me I flashed back to my father having me hold the flashlight while he tried to repair our car. I was immediately back in Illinois with him screaming at me, “ You stupid kid, you are shining it in my eyes, how come you are so stupid”. After he finished, he would beat me, telling me how stupid I was. The flashback was very real and unnerved me in the moment. I’ve had enough time on the couch to realize that I needed to address these feelings and I started to tell the installer the story. I’m sure it made him uncomfortable, but he finished quickly and I was on my way home. I discussed it with Wendi and to my amazement, I was able to control me feelings and not carry the incident like a burden; it felt freeing. Three days later in the early morning I was scanning my Facebook page and this popped up out of nowhere. I really didn’t know what to say except to thank my allies for reassuring me that the path I was on now was the right path. It’s hard to say when the universe will give you a healing message, I certainly understood this one.

Continuity 2.3 As I write this today, what I want to share is that the changes brought about by Woody’s passing and my journey though the darkness is still on going. I am still making huge changes in my life and thought processes. I’m still working with Ophilia, and I am learning so much during each session of my continued work with her and my dreams. The changes I am experiencing are very real. The rest of January was a blur. I did have two dreams during that period that I’d like to share. These dreams happened on Jan 19th. The first one Dream Richard found himself walking into and out of a cave which was very dark. I wasn’t afraid and I was walking with purpose. If I can describe it, I was walking into a shark or whales’ mouth, moving past all these sharp teeth on both sides of me. Slabs of chicken were balanced on each tooth. I was picking up the slabs and feeding them to Faith, our remaining Great Dane. I felt no fear. In the second dream I found myself in a landscape and I was building something. It was very satisfying, and I felt strong and that I was moving toward a goal. I was planning a trip back to my friends’ home at Dillon beach and my dreams became reoccurring and left me unsettled. It was like I needed to return to Dillon and reground myself. I was ready for the trip. The drive takes me about 4 hours, and getting through San Francisco can be harrowing at best, but I made it. My timing in being up there was absolutely magical. It’s always foggy at night but the three days I was there we had clear skies, far away from the light pollution of any neighboring city. It was a totally different experience for me. I didn’t walk 8 miles but stayed within a mile or two of where I was staying. When I went down to the ocean the first morning, I found a giant stump and just sat on it, meditating. It was deep time for me. When I first saw it, I felt as if it was a giant cork keeping the genie in an enormous bottle, keeping out evil and sparing the world from it. I could feel a very strong connection between myself and the ocean. It also happened to be the time of a 7-planet alignment. The usually cloudy sky was crystal clear, and I went outside and stared at the stars. It was a very profound moment. Most certainly I felt insignificant, but I felt like a part of all of it; I felt connected to the mystery that we all long to know the answers too. I didn’t come away with any answers. I went back inside, and I felt very peaceful. The next morning before sunrise, I stood outside in the cold, clear morning that was approaching. I meditated on the dreams that I was having and the road that I was now on.

Continuity 2.2 I left off at the first anniversary of Woody’s passing. It was a very hard day for me. MY dreams were starting to shift as if going over the cliff of the first anniversary was a pinnacle in my progression of healing. I was starting to travel again in my dreams, and I was going places I didn’t recognize but I knew in my heart they were good places, places which I could fall back on as places of power. One night I saw a huge book and I was filled with curiosity as to what was printed in it, but I couldn’t read it. I felt like Alice in Wonderland when I saw it. When I woke up, I felt rested and upbeat. I’ve been a musician since I was 12 and played professionally from the time, I was 18 until I was 30. On January 15th of 2025 I had a dream that I was inside a song. It was beautiful, calming and invigorating. I n my dream I just stood there and watched the notes and time signature pass me by, weave around me, wrap around me and lead me out the other side. I awoke with such a feeling of awe and wonder. I got up and went out into my backyard and stood I the dirt barefoot and meditated on the beauty that I had just experienced. My dream was a further aspiration that my dreams are a very real part of my life, that I am active participant in them. I am also very aware of how much information and knowledge that is transmitted to me through my dreams, I remain grateful to this day. As I write this in July of 2025, it feels as if my time with Woody was years ago, he’s only been gone 18 months, but I still feel his presence every day. The intense grief that I felt in the beginning has lessened, but there are waves that still come, and they can be crippling, stopped me in my tracks, making me regroup and find my footing again. I’d like to share a poem from a woman. who passed from a fight with cancer on 7-14, yesterday. I did not know here but the last lines hit me like a freight train when I read them, I share this with you now. I hope it helps you in your journey, I will become that “Grief astronomer” I pray I can help you see. A difficult life is not less worth living than a gentle one. Joy is simply easier to carry than sorrow. And your heart could lift a city from how long you’ve spent holding what’s been nearly impossible to hold. This world needs those who know how to do that. Those who could find a tunnel that has no light at the end of it, and hold it up like a telescope to know the darkness also contains truths that could bring the light to its knees. Grief astronomer, adjust the lens, look close, tell us what you see. Andrea Gibson (8.13.75 -7.14.25)