One of the reasons that I wrote “Woody. My Journey through Joy, Grief and Healing with a dog” was to help me through the intense grief. Fact is I would find myself sitting in the car or at my desk and staring, sometimes crying. At times it was as if I couldn’t breathe. I was falling apart, I was drinking way too much and I couldn’t sleep. I had never felt so lost. I was having the same dream every night of a large flat gray expanse, the floor slightly tilting. If I did get an hour of sleep, I’d wake up with the same dream and sense of being out of my body.
Today, I’ve been crying most of the morning, it’s 19 months after his passing and I got hit with a freight train today. I could feel his breath on my face when I woke up this morning. I’m seeing him out of the corner of my eye; I see a brown and white flash heading for another room.
When I was first talking to my doctor about my feelings he told me,” Greif comes like waves, at the beginning the waves just pummel you, and with time the get farther apart but they never go away”.
So, my grief is different now. My dreams have shape and form thanks to my work with Ophilia. Woody shows up from time to time and I know him as an ally and he helps me understand my current path. I’m almost a year sober and I’m not masking the emotions with alcohol. From time to time it feels as if that would help but then I realize I’m so much better without it.
I’ve been stuck in the house for 6 weeks recovering from ankle reconstruction which is far different than knee replacements. I’ve had to be on my back with my foot above my heart to keep the swelling down. With my knees my doctor wanted me up and walking as soon as I could. So different with an ankle. Now that I’m out of the boot and off my back I wonder where my motivator will come from. I reach for a ghost that’s not there. As Woody’s story gets deeper into the world, I realize how many more people he is helping. That gives me strength, and when I get hit by a wave, I allow myself to become a part of it, to feel the healing energy that is there for me to accept.
It takes courage.
