Continuity 2-1
I finished writing the book Woody on 12-24-94 and the last title was called Continuity. Woody’s story and the changes that he is still instilling in me didn’t end with the last word, they continue today.
I had a hard time figuring out the ending of the book “Woody”. I tried several different approaches, none of them worked. I’m an avid and adventurous dreamer and my pattern is I wake at 4 am, I welcome my dream allies into my dreams and ask them if they have anything they are willing to teach me, be it good or bad. That morning of 12-24, I woke up at four and then fell back to sleep. In my dream I saw what to say and how the book should be completed, quite magical. That morning when my wife got in the shower, I wrote the final chapter in 5 minutes.
I’m not good with holidays or anniversary’s, statement of fact. My birthday falls very close to Christmas. My parents would ask me, “which do you want presents for, Christmas or your birthday?”. I always felt left out because my brothers or sisters had present so for both. I usually chose Christmas because the one year I chose my birthday because it was hard to tell the other kids I didn’t get anything for Christmas, we didn’t have a lot of money. I remember one moment around Christmas time when I was 9 or 10 when my parents went to HFC, Household Finance Company) and took out a personal loan of $300. I remember the lead painted light yellow walls of the office, the industrial chair that I sat in while the agent making the loan belittled my father, asking him several times if he was sure he could pay it back. I remember my mother in the car on the way home yelling at my father that he had made a promise he couldn’t keep and the hardship that was about to come down, “Where do you expect to get that money from?” she kept repeating over and over and he would yell back that he’d work more overtime at the gas station and the school. I remember most of the money went to my sister who was about 18 with 2 children already. I don’t remember if I got anything that year, I remember the yellow walls and the chairs.
I remember my friends showing off their Christmas gifts. I felt left out and like the poorest kid on the block. I had a paper route at the age of 10, if I wanted anything, I had to earn the money. I got a job at a gas station on the weekends at 13. I bought my own clothes at that age and have ever since. I share this because loosing Woody and the profound changes that have taken place in me has brought this to the surface. I am discovering that the shame that my parents placed on me ran deep in the fabric of my life, how that shame influenced almost everything that I did. My parents never said, we’re poor, they just didn’t answer my questions when I asked. I don’t remember ever getting a hug from my mother or father. Without knowing how it was affecting me, I plodded on through my life. Through my work with Ophilia Mandara and my dreams I began to understand all of this.
Christmas and my birthday passed. It’s the first time I’ve been sober in 53 years for it so it was different. January 3rd was the first anniversary of Woody’s passing. I was very quiet all day and quite emotional. I felt lost and didn’t know how to commemorate it. I have a sacred space set up in my music room with items that I have collected over the past year. I have 5 words printed on it, Thoughtful, Aware, Present, Continuity, and Honor. At the hour of his passing I sat in the room, burned a candle and meditated on those words for over an hour. I allowed myself to feel the tremendous loss and I focused on the path ahead. It’s takes courage which at times can run very low, but that’s what it takes never the less. My journal entry for that day was, “1 year, so much reflection”.
I hope you find strength and courage, I thank you for reading this.
